i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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