I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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