I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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