Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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