So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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