i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I deserve this hangover.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
