My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
