i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
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