so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
