Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
