Got a toothbrush?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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