This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
