Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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