Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
