dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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