They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
