Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
