In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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