Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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