I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
