what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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