Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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