I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
