is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
