u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I did not marry a roomba.
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