I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
