The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
