How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
