and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
