I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
