Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
