If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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