I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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