She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
