New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
