I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
