i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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