I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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