I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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