You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
