wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
