I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
