I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
