I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
