So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
