return my video game
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
