We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
