god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Too much gin, very little bucket
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
