Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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