I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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