He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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