First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
